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May 12, 2005

Slut

A normal man, given a group photograph of school girls and asked to point out the loveliest one, will not necessarily choose the nymphet among them. ~ Nabokov

Recently, a topic on Eros Blog inspired me to make my first comments on his site. Oddly, the subject is still resonating in my head.

Bacchus (who I still refer to mentally as "Eros" *sigh* -- eventually I'll have room in there to cross-reference Bacchus with Eros, but, you know, I have to forget a few critical essays about The Canterbery Tales first) was complimenting Donovan Phillips of Donny's Ramblings on voicing his distaste of using the words "slut or whore" to categorize the female of the species. Donny is a great read. I'm not sure my social views and his line up on all sides, but he's up front and appears to demonstrate a clear code of ethics -- which puts him in the minority in the adult industry as it stands, though I think our numbers are growing. His blog is one of substance and not just a marketing ploy -- in fact, his has less promotion material than mine does, and I consider myself pretty balanced when it comes to such things. Besides, he understand that King's Dark Tower series is some of the best literature written in our age, so I'm willing to spot him as good people unless he proves otherwise.

But, to return to the topic, Donny made a post in which he states: "I fucking hate going to websites that use words like whores and sluts."

My first thought reading this was "here we go again." Why? Well, because I have an ego the size of Florida and the little voice in my head is sometimes an arrogant asshat who reacts as though everything I read is meant to address me directly.

Hard to believe I'm not a dom, sometimes, isn't it?

The thing is, slut has become such a positive word for me that I hardly ever think of it as a negative anymore, and whore is such a throw-away playful pejorative for me that I forget there are people who think of it differently. Hell, I’ve even infected my own parents with the words. Their pets are all kibble sluts or attention whores. One of the phrases you are most likely to hear out of my mother’s mouth is “do you know what that little slut did?” And my mother is not hip. She considers Barry Manilow the height of pop music. Seriously, the woman lived through the sixties without a single Beatles album to her name.

So, yes, I grew up in Miami, and, yes, I had a non-traditional and somewhat free-thinking childhood . But I've put in my time in the Midwest and the deep South and I know there are people who don’t think outside the boxes society hands them. I am WELL aware that there are those who do not "get it" when I call myself a phone slut. There are less sharp blades in the communal silver drawer of society who will think I'm just cheap trash (well, not if they're paying my rates...). And there are those on the other end of the spectrum; the erudite of our ilk who will think I'm exploiting my sex and my use of language for shock value. I'm not above shock value. I love shock value in minimal doses. But, they are no more correct. I don’t call myself a slut because it sells, or because I consider my body good for nothing except being a fuckfest machine.

I call myself a phone slut because that's what I am in my own mind. It’s how I feel. I'm a slut. When I'm happy, I'm a happy slut. When I'm wicked, I'm a naughty slut. When I’m silly, I’m a playful slut. When I'm angry, I'm a pissed off slut. And, on special occasions, I am a whore, but those times are for me to decide and if you’re going to call me that you either better be smiling and winking, or fucking me very, very hard with my hair wrapped around your fist.

I’m a slut by my own definition because my sexuality is by my own definition. There are a million different ways to be a feminist, a million different ways to be a bitch, a million different ways to be a slut, a goddess, a whore, a vixen, a brat, a cunt, a mother, a crone, a queen bee, a temptress and a billion other factors I can’t begin to list. That means there are a limitless array of combinations to what makes a woman. I am an unfinished equation of my femininity and more than the sum of my parts. And I’m not a slut because of what that word means to anyone except me, myself, and I.

To me, those sites who flash and pimp “whore this” and “slut that” without touching on anything more are not demeaning to me as a woman. They are demeaning to the men they’re marketing to. And for that reason, I understand Eros and Donny’s outrage. Their thoughts are that they, as men, want more from a woman than a demonized, disembodied single dimension of her sexual identity. The exploitation on those types of sites is not one of language, but of sentiment and it insults male and female, both.

So, I’m going to continue reclaiming slut in my own way on my own terms. And those who don’t get it can try or not try. And those that will can approve or disapprove.

A slut to me is a girl with a certain awareness of her sexuality. Not necessarily a comfortable relationship with her sexuality, because I definitely had my awkward teen years along with the rest of my tribe. But there is an innate fascination, attraction, and curiosity with sexuality that was in me from childhood. There has, literally, never been a time I haven't thought about, fantasized about, or wanted to learn more about sex.

The old man in that book by Nabokov would have put it thus: "...There occur maidens who, to certain bewitched travelers, twice or many times older than they, reveal their true nature which is not human, but nymphic (that is, demoniac); and these chosen creatures I propose to designate as 'nymphets'."

The problem with that passage is not the accurate realization that there are girls who, from young ages have an instinct to behave and think like a nymphet, but that such a trait is demoniac. But then, Humbert Humbert was hardly an everyman character and it is that part of his sentiment that is worth exploring.

I agree that women should not be demonized for their sexuality, innocent or otherwise, at any age. But many men do it to fulfill their fantasies. And, so long as they’re aware that they are fantasies, there’s no harm in it.

True, there aren't really any little girls who "want it" or "know what they're doing to a guy." Men who think that need therapy. But there is an aphrodisiac element for many of us that is wrapped up in innocence – similar to the flavors in certain foods that can only be liberated with alcohol. In my fantasies I want to be the innocent that gets ill used or seduced by the wicked old soul down the street (or the hall). But, just as often, I want to be the sexually awkward youth just aching to learn the secrets humming through my body.

In those fantasies, I am a little slut; the same way I was when I was young.

Little girls like attention and especially when hormones are going haywire in the pre-teens, part of that enjoyment seems to stem from a sexual instinct that male-type creatures can seem to scent miles away. But the girl's potentially seductive actions are generally no more intentional than a flower busting out in brightly hued petals to catch the attention of bees.

The problem is that the responsibility to guide that energy without inspiring trauma does not lie with the girl, but with those responsible for her guidance. And too often, those are adults terrified by the emerging sexuality of their child. So they defer to the misguided traditions of religions who are, in turn, guided by books that cast women as weak temptresses, vindictive Gorgons, or, at best, still merely "filthy" because of a once-a-month biological function we have as much control over as the weather.

It's a complicated issue. I've wrestled with it my whole life. And I appreciate these two very well-intentioned, sexually positive men thinking in terms of consideration and kindness. But the words are not the problems -- the intentions are; it is not the language at fault, but the sentiment. And the exploitation is not just aimed at the women on the pages, but at the men viewing those pages as well.

Yes, sites that plaster gynecologist views of partial body shots that effectively reduce the being on screen to that of a sex object void of humanity irritate the living hell out of me. I don't understand a guy who finds a woman's sexuality to exist only in her reproductive organs. How can a twat be exciting if you can't see the expression on the model's face? Regardless of what your kink is, if you can't hear it or taste it, or see the expression, or sense the reaction (or repression) from the other party, what part of that is sex?

But when those types of webmasters plaster the words "whore" and "slut" all over their sites, they're playing to an idea. And that idea has always been around, and will always be around. No matter how educated we get, there will continue to be those who think that sex is dirty and women who like sex are dirtier than men who do. Just as there are those who will continue to think that white women who engage in sex acts with black men are dirtier than those who engage in sex with white men. Those minds are closed and the sad truth is that re-education of them is highly unlikely.

It is what it is. We are where we are. And, for as long as I’m around no matter how the morality tide shifts, or the feminists applaud or rail, I’m going to remain a slut.

And if you hate it, or it offends you or if you just don’t get it, don’t worry. You don’t have to like it or approve of it or get it. It’s mine. I’m willing to share it, but you don’t have to partake.

That just leaves more for me, anyway.

Naughty Bits by Doxy at 3:59 AM | permalink | talkback (4)

Comments

Posted by: Karl Elvis MacRae at May 12, 2005 8:59 PM

Posted by: max_power08 at May 16, 2005 3:57 PM

Posted by: figleaf at May 16, 2005 9:25 PM

Posted by: Doxy at May 17, 2005 5:21 AM